I have yet to share my story for so many reasons. FEAR being the standout.
Fear to stand up and tell my story, fear to be seen, fear to share a story so private, one that impacts my children so greatly.
Yes I have shared so much about my past, the shitstorms I created for myself I was happy to share. I have moved past all of those experiences, they are not me.
This part of my story is current, this is my life right here and right now. This is my truth, this is harder to share.
I am used to being the one who listens, who guides, who advises, who imparts wisdom through lived experiences. I keep my cards close to my chest, I share little bits and pieces with a few close friends but even those close friends have no idea about my truth and my life.
So why am I choosing to share this with you today? Why now? In all honesty I have no idea why but something inside of me can no longer hide away. In order for me to step forward in service of others I need to be completely transparent, I can no longer hide, this is one mask that needs to fall away.
How can I preach about living authentically when I am still hiding behind a wall of shame and guilt. Shame about the truth of my life, shame that I am in this fucking position 3 years later, shame and so much guilt over the fact that I have been unable to provide the life for my kids I so desperately want to. These are shadows I need to allow to fall away. I understand that they are in place for a reason, that they were created out of fear and the need to feel safe.
What is the point of reaching a space of empowerment if I choose to continue to hide in the shadows. What benefit is there in acquiring so many tools and skills to move through the pain and heartache into a space of empowerment and strength if I am not willing to share my experiences.
My story is one we have all heard many times. The story of love gone wrong.
I have had a long history of unhealthy and destructive relationships. I am still healing from the breakdown of my marriage. I have been on my own for almost 3 years now. Since leaving my last relationship I have had to go through what has often felt like a literal death of the old self, my old life, my old way of being.
I have only just stepped into a space of empowerment, a space where I finally recognise my worth and will no longer tolerate base level behaviour in any way, shape or form. This includes from myself first and foremost!!
The road has been long and tough...it is not for the light hearted.
Over the course of the last 3 years, I have had to leave a secure job due to health issues; mental, emotional and physical. I have pieced together the mental and emotional side of things, the physical side is taking a bit longer but I am slowly getting there.
As I have never been one to sit around doing nothing, I have been studying, creating and working on my own business and when my health has allowed the space for it, I have seen clients. Starting your own business takes time, I have come close to giving up so many times but I look at my children, I stare at my reflection and remember that I am here to serve a greater purpose. I am here, having experienced trauma, pain and heartache over the course of my life for a greater purpose. To give back...to stand in service of other women and guide them back to a space of empowerment.
The purpose of me sharing this with you today is because over the last few weeks I have found myself pulled back into the ways of the old. I have experienced those shadow aspects that I worked tirelessly over the last 3 years to heal, resurface. I have felt the rage and anger, the hurt, the disappointment of expectations unmet all come out to play. The aspect of myself which quickly falls into the space of victimhood has surfaced, I found myself laying blame on the shoulders of others for the state of my physical reality. Granted there have been occasions where others have acted without consciousness and this has in fact impacted my ability to provide for my children, however I have come a long way from that younger version of self that placed the blame outside of herself.
There will always be instances where the actions and decisions of others have a direct impact on your life and livelihood, but in each of these moments the power of choice lies within us. Will we allow these actions to impede on our growth and our state of presence?
Had you asked me this question 5 years ago, I would have laid out all of the reasons as to why my life looked the way it did. I would have blamed others for the state of my peace and joy and happiness, or severe lack thereof. I would have sought and received validation from those I spoke with about the misery that was my life. They would have affirmed for me that yes, every source outside of myself was to blame for my misery and discontent. You see, this was the world I resided in, this is the world in which most of the population takes up residence.
We are so quick to externalise and blame others for our lack, lack of peace, lack of abundance, lack of joy, lack of status, for the anger and rage that bubbles to the surface every so often. We point the finger and lay blame wherever we can. We are never the directors of our own story. Our pain and hurt is always due to the actions of others. Our outbursts are always instigated by the behaviour of loved ones and strangers alike.
As I mentioned, I have been unable to work over the last 2 years and as a result I have been unable to provide for my children in the manner I would have liked, I have been unable to provide them with the basics more times than I can count. I have had to rely on the goodwill of my family to get me through these periods. I do not share this for sympathy or for empathy or for any reason other than to provide you with an opportunity to look into the window of my world and use this as a reflection into yours. To see how you too may be viewing things through a somewhat cracked lens. The way you view your life and your world is absolutely attributed to your perceptions. Perceptions that were formed very early on in life and are likely based on what you learned from your caregivers. There is no right or wrong in this, it simply is.
Now, back to the reason for me sharing this with you...
I have found myself in these moments of challenge, where I have been unable to provide the basics for my children, laying the blame outside of me. Placing expectations on others where there should have been none. We place expectations upon others and expect that they will behave in the very same manner that we would, were the situation reversed. This is probably the greatest reason for disappointment and conflict in our lives, in my opinion. Think about it for a moment, we walk around with this incredibly narrow perspective of the world. We encounter strangers, family, friends, colleagues and loved ones and expect them to behave according to our wants, needs and desires and as soon as these expectations are not met, our whole world implodes and God help those who bare the brunt of this implosion...quite often this eruption of expectations unmet is directed squarely at the poor soul who happens to be the 'straw that broke the camels back'.
How incredibly arrogant of us to assume that others are here to meet our needs and our needs alone!
Yet we all do it. We are doing this in each of every moment of our lives, in each and every moment of our lives we are expecting others to behave accordingly. According to our ridiculous standards, standards that we do not uphold mind you! There is a beautiful line from this song by The Warren Brothers, 'we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by the way they live their lives'. Is this not the perfect summation of insanity? Who are we to expect so much of others and yet not hold ourselves to the very same standard? If anything we should take a more compassionate stance and bring in a greater level of awareness and understanding. Understand that others are acting from the very same space that we are, a space where they too have a very limited awareness of the motivations of others.
Once we release the need to judge others for their behaviours and instead bring in a level of understanding and awareness, we are able to broaden our perspective of the world. We are able to understand the motivations of others or at least understand that their actions and motivations are based on their life experiences and their story.
In each moment we are simply doing the very best we can, if we knew better, we would do better.
Yes, it is that simple. If we knew better, we would do better. That is it.
So, how do we do better? How do we bring in that expanded level of awareness? How do we stop reacting to all of the external data we are receiving and instead integrate it? Integrate it with the purpose and intention of learning and growth.
This is no easy feat, there is nothing I write here that will remedy this immediately for you, there is no quick fix. I can go into detail and give you a step by step plan to work through and you will still not be able to receive and process what I am telling you...unless you are ready for it.
How do you know you are ready? As soon as you are able to answer yes to the following question you know you are ready. You may be triggered by this question, you may find yourself running through a million different scenarios to disprove what I am about to ask you and that is all okay, it simply indicates that your ego is at play, that your ego has stepped forward and is taking centre stage. Again there is no wrong or right, it simply is.
Are you ready? The way you answer this question and respond to these statements has the potential to change your life, should you be willing to own all of who you are, flaws and all!!!
Do you acknowledge and accept that the world you reside in, is a complete and true reflection of you?
The people you meet are a reflection of you. The people and situations that induce anger and frustration are a reflection of your internal world. Those you blame for inflicting pain and heartache are a reflection of your deepest wounds and scars. Your reactions and responses to these external stimuli are your responsibility and your responsibility alone, you cannot blame another for anything you say and do! Everything in your world is your creation, be it a conscious decision or unconscious reactions based upon your history.
Your answers to all of these should be YES!!! Of course there are those situations where we simply have no control, when we are children we have limited control over our environments, when we are victims of abuse or assault, we have no control...I do not dispute these instances. There are situations in life where you simply cannot control what is done to you, these situations are tragic. I will save the evolution of the soul and how these tragedies or traumas come into play for another post.
How we choose to move forward from these situations is on us. Life is not picture perfect, there will always be challenge. How we respond to these periods of challenge is on us. These moments are well within our control.
In each moment we have the opportunity to choose better for ourselves. In each moment we are presented with a gift, the gift to choose to act from a space of conscious awareness and empowerment. Simply because we chose to be reactive to our environments 10 minutes ago does not mean we have to choose the same for ourselves in this moment right here and now.
The moment we make the choice to blame another for our situation and for our reactions and behaviour is the moment we relinquish our power. It is the very moment that we no longer take responsibility for our own lives. It is the moment that we throw our hands in the air and say I am not the leader of my own life, I am not the author of my own story.
We all do this, we all walk around in our little bubbles and blame others for every single thing that is going wrong in our lives.
I have spent years of my life blaming others for the state of my life, blaming others for the mistakes I have made, for the situations I have found myself in, for the hurt I have inflicted upon others, the level of anger I have displayed, the tears I have shed...all of it I have placed squarely on the shoulders of others.
This is something I have continued to do in some form or another, it is something we will continue to do until we reach the stage in our lives where we decide that we have had enough of allowing life to lead us, where we then decide to be the navigators of our own lives. This journey is never ending, we will always be learning and growing. There will always be areas that fall outside of our level of awareness but it is up to us to keep going within, to continue searching within to discover what is at the core of our pain and reactions. To ascertain what the reasons are for our external triggers.
That beautiful quote 'the world is your mirror' is one I have carried with me now for years. My cousin introduced me to it and initially it would cause me no end of frustration as I struggled to see how the situations I encountered could possibly reflect something occurring within me. There have been countless scenarios where I have been unable to ascertain the root cause within, however upon reflection I can very clearly see the lessons in it for me. There have been some situations that have taken years for me to be able to identify the lessons. There are some I am still working through; as I said this work has no end date and to think there is an end date and that you have completed all of the healing and inner work required, only highlights the contrary.
When I initially began writing this post my intention was very different to what it is today. I started this a week ago with the intent to divulge more of who I am, to express to you the dire situation I have found myself in one too many times (very dramatic choice of words here) not so much dire as great opportunity for growth and learning. Suffice to say this post one week ago would have highlighted the perceived flaws I found in another from my limited perspective, the expectations I was holding another to, when really who am I to judge another based upon my own expectations of self. The level of awareness I had in that moment only 1 week ago should indicate a couple of things to you, one that the rate at which we are able to grow and evolve is incredibly quick, should we be open to it and secondly that there are unending layers to the particular lessons and challenges we encounter, upon reflection there is a third and that is how quickly we are able to fall back into old habits and behaviours, how quickly the aspect of victim can sneak up on us and take centre stage.
So, instead of me laying it all out and falling prey to the victim mindset and woe is me attitude. I will make the claim right here and now that I am the creator of my own little universe. I have created this environment I now find myself in. Yes there have been immense challenges when it comes to providing for my children financially but will I allow myself to fall victim and relinquish my power to another as I so often have in the past...that is a resounding Fuck No!
Were I to share my story with you in finer detail, I am certain I would receive countless replies that I have been wronged, there would also be those would counter this argument but what would that serve? Other than to perpetuate this vicious cycle we have in the world where one who has been hurt in turn hurts another and so it continues.
Instead I choose to take a higher view of my life, to remove myself from the thick of it and extract the opportunities for growth and learning from these challenges. I also need to highlight that I am in no way a victim, I live an incredibly abundant life, my life is filled with joy and laughter and deep loving connections. I have created an incredibly beautiful life for myself and my children. It has not been without challenge, I have been on my hands and knees more times than I can count because I have felt I could not continue. But with each moment of complete surrender I have risen to be that much stronger and more aligned with my highest self and my greater purpose in this life.
The legacy I leave behind is my children, were I to pass today they would not be left with wealth in the material sense, far from it but what they would be left with would be the memory of a mother who was continually growing and learning, a mother who was receptive and open to feedback no matter how hurtful it may be, a mother who viewed this feedback as an opportunity to grow and evolve in order to be a better parent. The would be left with an example of someone who chose not to settle for a life simply because it brought her security and material comforts, a woman who despite the challenges she encountered never gave up on her dream for a better life. They would be left with the knowing that everything in their world was well within their power to change. That their happiness is dependent upon them, solely! They would be left with the strength to question and challenge everything that society tells them is right, they would be left with the security that the world can be as bright and as abundant as they deem fit. They would be left with the knowing that the energy they put out into the word is precisely what they will receive in return. The most valuable tool I will leave them is that their worth is not measured by the size of their bank balance or the size of their home or the car they drive or the clothes they wear, nor is their worth attached to the opinion another holds over them...Fuck that! They know their worth is completely wrapped up in their souls and the beauty that shines from within...this is a legacy I am happy and proud to leave behind.
We create these lives for ourselves that are built upon outdated beliefs and ideals, most of which are created out of a need for protection and security. In doing so, we limit and restrict ourselves. We settle for careers, partners, relationships, friendships, all in the hopes that we will finally feel safe and secure and complete. We create lives that are based upon the expectations others and society have for us or we place upon ourselves because in our view we are not enough in comparison to others. We are constantly measuring our worth against others and what others have, come on people who gives a fuck what others have and what others think of you! With each moment we submit to these false realities we remove ourselves further from our truth, from our essence, from the core of who and what we are until we wake up on day and do not recognise the face staring back at us.
It is up to us to choose better for ourselves, it is up to us to break the mould and stand firm in our truth, in our knowing but we will never get there as long as we are in complete denial as to who we are. We need to drop the facades, drop the masks and align ourselves in Mind, Body and Spirit. Come back to the truth, the truth of who we are, free of all the bullshit that comes with this 3D structure.
We need to be open and honest about who we are, we need to be able to look in the mirror and acknowledge the truth of who we are and that means taking accountability for the role we have played in our own lives, enough with the blame and finger pointing. It's time we all grow the fuck up and own our shit.
You are the creator of your own reality! YOU my friend are the creator of all that is wrong and right in your life, the power lies within you to change what no longer resonates.
I choose to no longer allow myself to fall victim to these old ways, to no longer blame another for my discontent. Yes others may wrong me or mistreat me, but the question will always remain..."why am I allowing it? What is my part in this?"
Why am I allowing others who are not deserving; a place at my table, to hold a space in my heart, to determine my peace?
I can be a loving, compassionate and kind person from a distance. I do not need to relinquish my power in order to be accepted and loved. I am complete within myself, I take full responsibility for the state of my life and my external environment.
I commit to dive deeper within each time I feel myself slip back into those old ways, those ways that were created out of perceived necessity no longer serve me.
I am the master of my own life, I determine my state in each moment. I will use what is reflected back at me in the external world as my compass and use it to guide me into the depths of my being, to uncover where the healing and love of self needs to be directed.
What do you choose?