I woke up this morning much like on other mornings, tired, groggy, deflated, flat, lethargic, unmotivated and without purpose.
That is quite a list, in amongst that I made sure to add a dash of gratitude. It’s the least I could bring to the table and the most I could muster.
I have woken up feeling like this for most of my days since I left the marriage I say ‘the’ marriage so as to disassociate from the bond and tie that has kept me tethered to that connection for close to 20 years.
I have found myself going through the motions of life, ticking off most of the boxes I needed to and only some of those I wished to for the last 2 years, 9 months, 3 weeks and 2 days.
Each day has been what I could only describe as some form of torture, to be fair there have been a sprinkling of days throughout this period where I have felt motivated and inspired to jump out of bed and begin my day, but upon reflection those days were days where I had to show up for someone else. Where I was required to have purpose for someone else; my children, clients, work engagements and family and friend commitments. Where I have been able to, I have cancelled these commitments.
The only time I have felt as though I had a purpose and reason to rise before midday was when I would get my children back from their fortnightly stay with their father.
On those days, I would reflect and wish so damn hard that I could find this purpose for myself, that I could tap into this reserve of energy for myself. That I could LIVE with purpose and passion for myself. No matter how deeply I wished and longed and pushed, there was no reserve with my name on it. So, more often than not, when I had no purpose to fulfil for others I would roll over in bed and pull the covers back over my head.
Over this period there were health issues I was dealing with which prevented me from maintaining my iron stores. As a result, my iron levels barely got above 2 despite an iron transfusion around 2 years ago. The most recent test 3 months ago, saw these stores finally rising and sitting at 9. This is still incredibly low however it is finally on the improve. I will go into more detail around this in a later post, suffice to say there is so much more emphasis we need to place on our environments in terms of our physical health and wellbeing.
Knowing that my health is improving and that I will soon enough be back to ‘normal’ has brought me great comfort yet has also created an impatience in me to get my life moving again, to discover that purpose for myself and zest for life.
I have been a hermit since leaving the marriage, hardly ever venturing out for any reason whatsoever. I go through the motions and then return to my cave to hide away. Fear has also been a huge reason for me hiding away. When you have created your life around another, it is incredibly difficult to find a reason to live for yourself. I was so afraid to be seen without my protector, without the ability to hide in the shadow of another.
Now all of this can and will be dissected in later posts and touched on in my books but for now I want to focus on what has occurred for me today.
Over the last 2 weeks I have spent lots of time with my family and found myself pulled back into the ways of old, I have found myself being triggered by people, situations and stories I thought I had made peace with, but as we all know the layers with this work are unending. I was therefore not surprised to see the old wounds rise to the surface, what did surprise me though was the intensity and depth at which these wounds created a reaction within me. The Bianca of old appeared, she was angry and she was trapped in her story, she even fell into the victim state and had to claw her way out. Throughout these periods of being pulled way out of alignment, I found myself judging and berating myself, thankfully my family who has been there every step of the way on this journey with me, were the ones to gift me with perspective and clarity. They were the ones who shined light onto situations where I was too caught up in my story to gain any perspective. I could see the young me not wanting to hold onto the light, she wanted to be angry, she needed to rage and vent and scream and throw tantrums. And so she did. As much as I wanted to climb out of this abyss, I saw the purpose in releasing this energy that had been so deeply suppressed. There was simply no way I could enter 2020 with the weight of these emotions, the anger had to go, it had to be released and thanks to the way Spirit works I was presented with opportunity after opportunity to release these old wounds. Was there a better way of releasing these trapped emotions, I have no doubt there was but this is what was needed in my situation. Could I have handled these moments differently, absolutely but again this is what was necessary to draw out the anger that had been so deeply buried.
In this spiritual space we are so conditioned to believe that it is only love and light that is to exist, what we forget is that we are spiritual BEINGS having a human experience and yes though we are here to ascend and to awaken to our Divinity, we are still going to experience the lows, we are going to experience triggers and ugly emotions. It is not about denial of those aspects of self, it is about embracing them, it is about loving those broken and fractured parts and learning to love ourselves even in those moments of anger, frustration, guilt, shame, despair…
These emotions point us directly to the areas that need more attention, they lead us back to love of self and pure acceptance of who and what we are. Spirituality and Ascension is about complete love of self, free of judgement.
Go and read Conversations With God the next time you feel the need to judge yourself, if the Creator/Spirit/Source does not pass judgement on us, then who are we to do so? Why are you still choosing to do so?
Of course, with all the judgement I was dishing out, I was left feeling so far out of alignment that I fell into a state of what could easily have turned into depression, once again I found myself back home and completely demotivated. As is always the case, I set myself a to do list and goals for the following day, last night was no different. I am not lacking in ideas and inspiration, it is simply the energy and drive and motivation to follow through on these tasks that has been lacking, I suppose it has been a very long, drawn out dark night of the soul I have experienced since leaving the marriage. There have been so many lessons and challenges I have had to encounter and endless healing over my past that has had to occur. It has often felt as though I have been in a deep and dark depression but the moments of clarity and insight and connection to a higher Source has always prevented me from labelling this awakening as such.
I have had this question posed to me countless times, aren’t you done healing? How much stuff is there for you to heal? I have often asked the very same questions of myself and Spirit and the truth of the matter is that there is no right or wrong answer, there is no template that we all follow, we each have our own journey we have to follow, we each have a unique path that is laid out for us.
For some reason my path has required that every external area of my life come to a stand still and my inner journey take precedence. Why this is, I do not know for certain. The answer that drops in is that once I step into purpose, I will not have much time to slow down and focus on my healing, so it has had to happen in one great period. Short of 3 years may seem like forever to some, but if we break it down we see that we are carrying decades worth of pain, trauma, conditioning, programming, fear, shame, guilt and on top of that is the ancestral stuff we have committed to clear. Often those of us who have chosen to awaken within challenging family lines, have not only our own ‘stuff’ to clear but that of our ancestral line as well. Not only have we committed to take on this mammoth task but pre incarnation, we make the decision to incarnate into families that have extreme amounts of trauma down the lineage that requires healing and clearing.
I believe as Souls we are so crystal clear about the task we have signed up for, we know it is well within our capabilities. What we don’t know as Souls is how taxing and trying this human experience is. We forget just how challenging it is to live in this world still connected to Spirit and to maintain that clarity, greater perspective and heightened awareness. We lose sight of the bigger picture once we incarnate, we become bogged down by the small stuff, the tiny stuff wears us thin. As a result this clearing of ancestral lines that we have signed up for becomes a task we so often wish to walk away from.
I have had countless moments over the last few years where I have thrown my hands in the air and said, that’s it, I am done. I choose to go back to my life the way it was. I am done with this thankless path.
But alas, one cannot go back. You could certainly try but once you have awakened and your eyes and senses have experienced so much more to this life than the pursuit of material wealth and consumerism, there is no going back.
You see, once you awaken you experience these moments of pure bliss and ecstasy. You experience life at a level so deep and pure that you are literally flying high, there are no words that I have found as of yet that encapsulate the euphoria of being in flow with Spirit. As much as I may try to articulate the emotions and sensation of being in complete alignment with your higher self and your greater purpose, I fail. There are no human words to describe the feeling of being present in this moment right here and right now, with complete clarity, where there is no thought of tomorrow or one hour from now, where there is no regret or need to look back on the past, there is only this moment right here and right now and this moment is perfection. It is pure, it is love, it is light, it is peace, it is joy, it is freedom. It is unlike anything you have experienced.
So, as much as I have wanted to walk away from the pain and hurt and overwhelm that comes with sifting through your shit and that of your family line, the knowing that these moments will be followed by the ecstasy of connection with Spirit, is enough to keep you moving forward.
Back to this morning and I found myself yet again dragging myself out of bed with no drive to check off those tasks on my list, there was great desire but zero drive and even less energy to do so. Instead I found myself judging and finding flaws in my plans, goals and dreams. Who was I to dream that big, I am not qualified to undertake these tasks, everyone else in this space is well within their rights to be there standing centre stage. Who am I to achieve any of this. And so the negative self talk went, this time though there was this little voice inside that grew louder and stronger with each deprecating thought, this little voice had one message…WHO ARE YOU NOT TO DO IT?!
This is when it dropped in that I needed to hit reset, I have done all of the healing and inner work I have needed to do before I can step into purpose. Now I simply need a reset. I need to shift this residual energy that is floating around and creating a fog in my mind and body, I need it gone, I need a healing, I need to hit reset. How am I going to do that? Spirit is going to help me with it, Spirit can help me with this. Miracles happen every single day, things can change in a heartbeat when you are working with Spirit, so why not for me. I trust implicitly, I have faith, it can happen.
I was guided to my oracle cards for confirmation, I asked Spirit, if they could help me reset my Mind, Body and Spirit and as soon as the question came out, I shuffled once or twice and a single card came flying out of the deck, it landed face down on my loungeroom floor…I put the remaining cards back on the shelf and picked up this single card, turned it over and YES was the message on the card staring back at me. The answer was YES, as soon as I saw that card the emotion was overwhelming, I burst into tears. There were only a few tears shed, I have obviously done my share of crying over the last few years as the reserve has run dry. I was then guided to lie down and told that the healing would take place whilst I was asleep.
I then did some journaling around what I wanted to release, what needed to be reset and that I trusted and surrendered to the process. I granted Spirit permission to work on my behalf to reset my Mind, Body and Spirit, to bring in clarity, to allow the old me to fall away, for the death of the old and the birth of the new to take place.
As I lay down, journaling complete and shut my eyes, I immediately felt the pressure begin on my forehead, on a few areas around my third eye. I knew they had begun the healing process. I felt tingling down my right leg and relaxed into a deep meditative state, the process was almost instantaneous. I was then awoken after what seemed like 5 minutes to the sound of my alarm and an ambulance siren in the distance. The healing began at 1:10pm and the alarm went off at 2:20pm.
Prior to waking I was in this dream where I was with a few members of my family getting ready to go out for dinner. Whilst walking around getting ready for dinner, my right arm was throbbing, the pain was centred around the inside of my right elbow. I looked down at my arm and noticed a long band aid on my arm about 10 inches long, I slowly pulled this back to reveal a tender patch of opaque white flesh underneath. I was told I had to be careful removing this bandage so as not to tear at the tender skin that was still healing. I had obviously had some procedure happen, this is when the alarm went off, along with the sirens from a passing ambulance. I will leave you to figure out the symbolism here.
As soon as I opened my eyes, my arm was in excruciating pain, the inside of my right elbow was absolutely throbbing with pain. The pain subsided within a few seconds of waking though. This was obviously the area where the healing had occurred for my body. I lay there for a moment taking it all in. What happened next is where the magic is…I tuned into what was going on in my head and found that I had complete clarity of mind. My mind typically races, there is not much silence or calm. The healing of my body had been initiated, I now need to tend to and care for my body in order to complete the healing process, this means a clean diet and consistent self care practices. I have been guided for about 10 years that I would be following a raw food diet at some stage of my life, this is the diet that is in alignment with my body, each of us are different and have our own requirements in terms of nourishing our bodies but this is mine.
With the journaling I did prior to the healing, I committed to Spirit that I would take care of my thoughts and my energy and my nourishment from here on in, I just needed them to step in and reset everything for me.
The clarity and drive and purpose I now have is beyond what I imagined would happen with the healing, but this is what this work with Spirit is all about. We need to set our intentions and do our part and then release any attachment to the outcome or how it will come about. I had no preconceived ideas around how this healing would take place or occur, I simply put my faith and trust in Spirit to do its thing and I made myself available. It is up to me now to do the work and to make the time for meditation and all of those tools around self care I have long neglected or not done consistently. I need to ensure I nourish my body with clean and raw foods in order for the healing to complete. My mind is crystal clear, there is no fear, there is no self doubt, there is no worry of tomorrow or of what has been. There is only this moment right here and right now.
With the state I woke up in this morning, there was no chance I would have written 20 words, let alone completed and published this post.
We are not always going to know what the next step is for us, we are not always going to know what the outcome is for us and our path. I still don’t know what my purpose is in this lifetime in terms of standing in service to others.
What I do know is that I need to follow the breadcrumbs and keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other and trust and surrender in each moment that my path is Divinely Guided and that Spirit will reveal the next steps as they are required. For now, I will continue to share my story and continue to focus on my healing and my journey and hope that my story inspires some of you to leave the path well beaten and venture out onto your own path. There are no guarantees other than the magic that will unfold for you. That in my book, is reason enough.
Love and Light Beauties